Hussein

by Saul Bloodworth

Lets talk about the name Barack Hussein Obama. People - well, some people - are making a big deal about the name Hussein. As in: How can someone named like the former biggest enemy of the United States become President? Rightwingers sneer at it, Liberals see it as proof that Americans are not prejudiced. Both is nonsense.

Hussein is simply a very common name in the Arab world. It means "handsome". Its English version is "Alan", which also means handsome.

Speaking of evils names, the first name of Goebbels, Hitler's Propaganda minister, who was arguable more evil than Hitler himself, was Joseph. There are quite a few Josephs, or Joes around in the U.S. — Joe Lieberman, Joe Biden, Joe the Plumber —; (the Arab version is Yusuf) and I don't recall anybody making a big deal out of that.

Also Stalin's first name was Joseph (ok, bad example), and there was, of course Joseph Kennedy. And Mussolini's first name was Benito. I'm fairly sure that an American President who is called Ben would not cause much of an outcry. The first names of the commander of the Nazi Airforce were Heinrich and Wilhelm, so his full name was, really, Henry Bill Goering. Suck on that, O'Reilly!

So it's really not about Obama sharing his name with a deceased dictator, it's about hating a foreign-sounding name. There is a name for that: Xenophobia.

So, dear Liberals, the next time you get bugged by some Know-nothing about the name Hussein, just remind them that Joe the Plumber is named after Joseph Goebbels. And quite rightfully so.

Joe the Bummer

by Saul Bloodworth

So, Joe the Plumber is going to Israel to be a war reporter. A real war reporter talking to real people in the street. Well, at least to people he likes (probably white people). The story must be true because you can't make this up. I'm not sure he has a passport, though, so it might take a while, like, another ten weeks, but that should be worth it. I personally would rather see Mike Delfino go, but you can't choose your plumber.

Anyway, is that bad? Not really. As for missing credentials, Judith Miller had pretty good credentials, she was in Barnard College and Princeton. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of having shipped Joe the Plumber off to Israel. Sure, its a little unfair towards the Israelis, but after all we're paying for the whole caboos.

And coming to think of it, why stop with Joe the Plumber? I would love to see Bill Kristol report from some ramshackle hut while Kassan rockets are being fired at him 24/7. Or Ann Coulter. Or Rush Limbaugh. In fact, they should be made share the same hut, and bathroom (I'm thinking Pixie) for the duration of their assignment, i. e. until peace has come to the Holy Land.

I'm sure there is a place for Tom Friedman as well in that hut, or Michelle Malkin or Bill O'Reilly. Maybe they can sleep in shifts. Or Henry Paulson, or Bernie Madoff - I can go on and on, but you get the idea. What happened to Mike Savage, by the way, is he still around? Rupert Murdoch? Rick Santorum?

On the downside, it would probably hasten the apocalypse because not even the Antichrist could bear watching them for too long. Anyway, lets look forward to honest news from the Middle East. Or, at least, some really sweaty newspeople.